Long week ahead,

well today is the start of a very long week. The kids are in school, hubby has work and army, and then he is gone on an expedition all weekend. So gone from 9am friday til sunday eveningt.

Which means no days off and a long week ahead. i want to detest the army commitments. but i find it hard to hate something he loves. i do however detest the fact that it takes away from the fact that it just makes me even more certain that i cannot schedule anything for myself. Alot of the army commitments. come up with only about a week's notice. or at least that is when I hear about it! Not really sure if he is holding off telling me or they don't tell him, But it aggravates me because it just again reinforces to him that there is never a reason to take my needs into consideration because I am always here no need to consult.



This, although true, still makes me feel taken advantage of. This is why i have sat back for so long and allowed myself to be pushed to the back burner. But i have to reclaim my life or at least a small part of it. i have to do that for the good of my family.



a typical week at my house is. dh works 5 days at his full time job and 2 days of that are extended for purposes of the army takes him out till midnight . so two days he is gone from 9 am til midnight. then on the weekend. this one for example, he has to take the two days off from his regular job and use them to go with the army. which in turn effects the next week days off. so one could argue that this week I am on my own. so then i use a week like this to talk me out of trying to organize anything for myself outside the home. almost like it is destined to become unmanagebale. So my own thinking is sabotage. But there has to be some basis for this thinking. don't you think? I mean really where can i fit in a part time job. or a social group. ?



I guess the other part that gets me down is i know that he has to go away this summer for training, Yup that's right folks all summer! 8 weeks. oh boy! i cannot focus on that right now.

another reason to not get involved in something. i am afraid I may become dependant on that emotional/ social support, and then be worse off when it is taken away. I am also afraid that having to give it up ( should i start something) will make me feel more deprived/ taken advantage of.

oh boy what a conversation today!



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